Woman's Info Articles

submitted: Jan 10th 2009 | by: Guest | Total views: 39 | Word Count: 4261 | |

While Oprah was openly asking herself "How did I let this happen" and trying to figure out how she gained so much weight, I was asking myself the very same question. How did I let this happen? But, for me the issue was not weight gain. I had become seriously addicted to phone sex. What kind of person becomes addicted to phone sex? I read O magazine often and on occasion, when lucky, watch Oprah. I've been a good wife and mother, was a homeroom mother 5 years consecutively, a 4Th grade Sunday School teacher for more than a decade, traveled and lived abroad, and I am well educated and well read. I read the winners of the Pulitzer Prize and Nobel Prize for literature every year and the books on the short list. I like to read literature not best sellers. I drive a Volvo. I drink approximately 4 times a month: a frozen margarita with Mexican food sometimes/sometimes not, a glass of wine with dinner less than once a week. I don't smoke. My family means everything to me. I am a 50 year old woman and my phone sex addiction was real. It was not with a stranger, or a pay for minute service but instead it was with someone I knew. Well, sort of.

Prior to becoming involved in phone sex with an old acquaintance, I had never given phone sex even a minutes thought. I assumed that it was for lonely men who call a number and pay for a female to talk dirty while they masturbate. It seemed sleazy. On the other hand, my brother was an amputee and I remember the year after he lost his leg how he ran up a staggering 1-800 phone bill he could not possibly pay. So, I have never been one to force my values on others or make snap judgments. I also remember vaguely seeing an interview with a whistle blower who talked about being paid to listen to phone conversations of people serving in the military for Homeland Security. They reported a large portion of what they heard involved couples engaged in intimate conversations such as phone sex. Beyond that, it just wasn't something I thought about or ever had even a remote interest in trying. But, not only did I find myself involved in phone sex, I was spending as much as 3 or 4 hours a day at one point "being naughty" on the phone. Since it wasn't "real" it didn't seem like cheating.

Almost as soon as our last child went away to college, my husband accepted a transfer overseas with his company. We found that we were bored with the kids gone. While previously we had countless sport events, scouts, church activities and school work to do with our kids we found we had a lot of empty space to fill. We flew to overseas on a "look and see" not really expecting to accept the assignment. But, after a week we were ready to pack our bags and take off on an adventure. We arranged for someone to stay in our house, care for the dog and forward our mail. Our children could come home from school at any time and use the house with this arrangement. We left most of what we owned in our house and took of for our midlife adventure.

We discovered that for thousands of Americans, the expat life is a lifestyle. We quickly acclimated to the expat community and made friends. We had a busy social life and the work my husband was doing was rewarding. He was less stressed than while working in manufacturing.I started a small business. Lots of people came to visit, and our son and daughter always came for the long University breaks bringing friends. It seemed to be a good choice that was working well not just for us but for thousands of Westerners living abroad. It was a new lifestyle and a new world we previously did not know existed.

But, after three years, our parents began having serious health issues. I returned to the states to deal with issues at home. I moved my mother in law into an assisted living facility after months of testing and medical procedures to determine the state of her health. After a fall, she simply refused to walk and confined herself to a wheelchair though the Doctors and therapists said there was no reason for her to not walk again. My younger brother died under tragic circumstances. Shortly after my father died, literally of a broken heart, I feel. Then, my mother became seriously ill with an elevated white blood cell count. We got her home but within a month she was back in the hospital. Eventually, she settled in at home, alone for the first time in 55 years, with oxygen tanks and breathing machines and an arsenal of pills to take that she could not manage or understand. Along with all of the family health problems I was trying to manage, our son was becoming noticeably stressed at school. He was studying engineering at one of the most difficult (and expensive) Universities in the world. The competition and the constant work was causing changes in him that were a serious concern. In High School he was voted best personality of his senior class but now he was depressed, short tempered and seemed constantly worried. He physical health seemed at risk as well as his emotional well being. No matter how much I wanted to get back to life with my husband, I simply could not. Other family members needed me more right then. In addition to all of this, we were going through the highly stressful ordeal of a detailed IRS audit and I had letters to respond to and documents to fax at least a couple of times a week. I had phone conferences with the accounting firm hired to handle our taxes while we were living overseas. We had tax issues not just in the US but abroad as well. We had a complicated situation, as most expats do, and we had wrongly assumed the experts hired to do the taxes had all this covered and we did not have to worry. This turned out to be far from the truth. At one point our taxes were in such a mess that I was told I should not leave the country. ( One reason I supported Mike Hackable as a Presidential candidate-He believes we should abolish the IRS) My sex life was one of the last things on my mind, at this point in life.

The stress seemed constant and never ending. I was stuck here in the States dealing with serious family health and money issues alone. My husband was still enjoying the stress free expat lifestyle and while sympathetic did not seem to understand fully what was taking place here. I would discuss on the phone how concerned I was about our son and he would say "I talked to him and he's fine." He wasn't and and it got worse. Our children feel they have to put the best possible face on for him, though for me they have a tendency to share almost more than I want to know. Each problem got worse and new ones arose. I would send detailed emails of problems that are normally joint issues decided together in a relationship. My husband would respond with short one sentence answers that infuriated me. For instance, when all the skylights began leaking and there was water staining the ceiling of the family room. I assumed it was coming from the bathroom upstairs and I caulked every loose tile myself. It did not help so I had a plummer come in. He suggested gutting the dated bathroom and redoing it because the leak might be from one of several places. Each time I thought we found the leak, I put kilz over the water stains and repainted the ceiling (myself) the water spots returned. Eventually, I realized that the roof itself was leaking and the water was getting into the wall and ending up on the family room ceiling. So, now I had major home improvements to deal with alone, as well. I would send information about the options to my husband. Replace the beautiful cedar shake roof with the same, some people were using slate which was too expensive, or put on composite. And use 20,30 or 50 year shingles. Get estimates and references. No matter what the issue my husband would send a short email from his blackberry. Do what you think is best./ Not sure./ Ask around. /Sounds good./ Too bad./ Don't know. He didn't even bother to read the emails on the computer. He scanned them on the blackberry quickly and missed half of what I was saying. This became annoying and a source of real bitterness with me. He could not bother to even read the emails related to the multitude of growing issues at home, much less be involved in the decision process. He was spending weekends racing at the Yacht Club, bought a boat, and having lots of parties to attend. In the company provided flat, even when a light bulb needed to be changed we called the concierge who arranged for someone to come and take care of it. There was not lawn to mow or riding lawnmower to repair. No ditch in front of the house to weed wack. No sick parents and Doctors and prescriptions to deal with. He just said to let the company worry about the tax issues, but the IRS was making it very clear that it was us not the various companies doing our taxes every year that would be held responsible for the tax mistakes. And, I was very lonely. We had only lived here for 5 years before becoming expatriates. I just didn't have a big support base.

My daughter graduated and moved back in. I rented a uhaul truck, drove to her school and we filled the uhaul. I drove it home and my daughter was exhausted and went to sleep. I was unloading the truck and trying to find places for all her furniture and junk at 4 am. I remember just lying down in the front yard with my head on a pillow from the truck and crying. But, I had the truck back before 8 am the next morning, to avoid big penalties. I had become physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted. People would say, when are you going back, are you working, so you just do nothing? I was also very angry. While my husband could not find time to communicate properly with me, he was becoming very involved and writing long blogs for his sailing team. He published lengthy hilarious blogs about each weeks race and the following social activities. I was on the email list so I noticed how much time he had for his friends but how little for me. After he took off with his friends for a sailing vacation in Spain, I decided we would separate. Though my daughter was living at home again, she had her own life and friends.

One night, I responded to the email from a website that helps you locate old school friends which I had ignored for several years. Almost immediately, I began to make contact with both people from college and high school. Immediately I was in touch with old friends. I enjoyed sitting in bed at night and reading profiles, viewing photos and sending emails to people I knew in the past. It took my mind of the issues I was facing and helped with the loneliness. One night someone I had requested as a friend sent me an email. Though he was several years behind me in school, I knew his sister well. Because his profile said he lived for several years overseas near where I had lived, I wanted to talk to him about it. We discussed things that other people who have not lived as expats really don't fully understand. We talked about beaches,the cultures, the foods, the difficulty in getting certain things and what we missed. We talked about everything online. I would ask a simple question about his work and he would respond with a long, detailed email describing what he was doing and how it was going. His work was, to me, fascinating. I would ask about his feelings on a relevant political issue and he shared his views which were intelligent, well thought out and thoughtful. Sometimes we exchanged as many as 10 long emails a day. One day, I got an email that said this. I woke up this morning and immediately checked for an email from you. I was disappointed not to have one. Can you send one at night, before you go to sleep so I can have it when I wake up? That would be really nice.

I felt like a girl in high school who just got a note from a boy. And, I was excited and realized I was aroused. It felt like having a boyfriend feels and it felt good. Really, really good. A vast hole inside me was almost immediately filled with something that felt warm and good. We could talk about anything, which I found later is one of the dangers of the Internet. I said things to people I not only would have never said in real life, but could not believe I was even thinking. Hitting send is easy. But, when he wanted to know about my children, I told him that we should not talk about our families. I didn't want to, because this was my destress time. A chance to unwind and not think about all the difficult decisions. I needed it to be fun. He agreed, though from time to time things came out. Then, he said he was leaving for two weeks because of his job.

I ask him if we would be able to continue our online flirting while he was away. He responded saying "we were flirting-that's what I thought but I wasn't sure if you thought that" lol I said, yes, we're flirting. Next thing you know we'll be having phone sex. lol He: is that a promise. me: Maybe, I haven't had real sex in almost 4 months. him: wow that's a long time we will have to see what we can do about that. Me: goodnight

We had several emails not related to any of that conversation. I had been to a Knicks game in New York and was excited about it. We discussed the World Series. We discussed all of our old friends from High School and various boyfriends and girls friends. We told each other everything which is easy in emails. It went on for several weeks. Then, he said he wanted to call. Just to talk for real. I gave him my number and told him my daughter would be away all next week training in New York for her new job. Call, I'll be lonely. Monday morning at 11 am I was busy painting the spare room above the garage. I was trying to get it ready in case my Mom decided to move in, which we had been discussing. I was surprised and said "I thought you would be calling at night, it's kinda early for phone sex isn't it?" He laughed and said he couldn't wait to call and had been wondering what my voice sounded like. It sounded exactly like he remembered. I told him he had more of an accent than I expected. But, really, his voice was sexy, gravelish and confident. It turned me on immediately. He told me that when he was in 6th grade and I was a senior he had a big crush on me. I would come to see his sister and play with his hair, pinch his cheeks and say you are just so cute, like a little teddy bear. He said he started masturbating then, because of that. Wow, I said, that's kind of young, isn't it? He said he hoped I didn't mind him saying this but I was the first person he got hard for. I was flattered and actually liked hearing that. I laughed and said "Ahhh that is so sweet of you to share." Him: well how about this, I am pretty hard right now. Maybe we should go ahead with the phone sex. I told him I was painting and covered in paint and an old t-shit with paint all over it. He told me to take it off and I did. For the next couple of hours I did exactly everything I was told. I answered questions he ask me while I was lying completely naked in hallway of our house. It was the hottest sex I have ever had and I came 4 times like a volcano just by doing what he told me to do and talking as if we were really together. It ended because he had to leave for work. I stayed on the floor for at least an hour trying to remember when I had ever gotten so wet or felt so satisfied. I didn't even believe phone sex for women could work, but I knew this was as real as anything I had ever experienced. I did not use a vibrator but used my fingers and hand exactly as he told me to. There was no doubt that he had phone sex before and lots of it. In our next series of emails he told me that because of his job he and his wife did this for years. But now, she had lost all interest in sex. They were grandparents and the grandchildren and her professional career were all she had energy for. me: I'm having phone sex with a grandpa? I can't believe this. him: But, baby it was good wasn't it. You really liked it. So did I.

During the first couple of weeks we were on the phone for hours, sometimes twice a day. Sometimes he would call at 10pm and then again at 4am. I had a vibrator, but he told me to get a different kind and I did. As good as the phone sex was the emails were almost as good. Some were sweet and personal and others became naughty and involved detailed scenarios of what he wanted to do when we got together. I told him I was not sure I wanted to cross that line. But, very soon, it was all I was thinking about. I was addicted.

Then, after the two weeks, he stopped calling and wrote less often. I was devastated and could not figure out what happened. I thought maybe he got caught by his wife. But, I was fairly sure I knew why it stopped. He wanted us to use the web cam and I made it clear in the beginning that I was not going there. He was disappointed. My guess was that he had found someone who was willing to use it. I knew he would not be interested in anything like this with strangers. It would have to be someone he connected with and knew. I checked the website and noticed that an old girlfriend he was seriously involved with in High School was now on the site and single. She was now in his "friend" and he was her "friend." I became almost physically ill, convinced that he was now having phone sex and using the web cam with her. And, I still think that's probably what happened.

I wanted the phone sex so badly that I started logging in to Craig's list personals every night and eventually found someone looking specifically for phone sex. I responded to the ad using an old email account that did not have my name. Then, I realized that I had the account set up so that my name phone number and address appeared at the bottom of every email.I had used it professionally, previously. It had been sent to someone local and was absolutely petrified with fear thinking of all the possible things that could happen. When the person did not respond I became paranoid that it was someone I knew and he might tell people. How could I do something so foolish that could potentially embarrass my family?

But, I was literally going through withdraw from no phone sex. I would spend hours reading the "naughty" emails over and over and use my vibrator after reading them. It had become such an obsession that it was physically painful. I was chewing my fingernails down to nothing. I decided to go stay with my sister for a while, so I could not spend the days checking for emails and reading old emails over and over. But, even at her house, I still kept checking my email hoping to hear from him.

And, I did. When I saw the email it had been 3 full weeks since the last one. My heart raced and felt like a beating drum. I couldn't wait to open it. I read it over and over. I was elated and giddy. He said he had been busted by his wife and had to be more careful but everything was getting back to normal. He would get back to me soon. Smooches Baby. Oh, how I missed smooches and being called baby and sexy and sweetie and all the flirting. And, having someone to talk to about virtually anything. He was back and I was happy. For about a week. Then, I told him in a email how much I missed and needed the phone sex, the emails were not enough. He promised to call over the weekend. I couldn't wait. When the weekend came and he didn't I sent a very angry email. On Sunday, he told me that he had actually spent the weekend with someone. I wrote several angry emails and then just never heard from him again.

If that could have been the end it would not have been so terrible. But, I was still craving the phone sex. I had no interest in meeting someone for real sex, I was really interested in the phone sex. I started flirting on line with several other people I knew from earlier in life. One stopped emailing all together as soon as I began flirting. I was upset because he was the most articulate and I felt he would be the best at it. Another said he might, but would like to just talk on the phone regularly before we jumped into to the phone sex thing. I stopped contacting him all together though we had been emailing about various "normal" things for months. He kept emailing and I ignored them. Then, my old HS love, the only person besides my husband I ever fell in love with, began emailing me. We flirted and it was fun and he was divorced. But, when I started getting naughty he was taken aback and I pressured him to call me so much that he totally dropped contact. I had humiliated myself in my "online community" and with people I had known for years, because I wanted the phone sex again so badly. I never even once entertained the idea of contacting a "service." I wanted to connect with someone I knew and had a connection with.

I was cleaning out a closet for my mom's things and I found an old AA book someone in my family had used for many years. I opened it and started reading it, using the same principals for my own addiction. I told my close friends and people from my Bible study several years ago that I was going through a serious addiction problem and ask for prayer support. These women are warriors and I know their commitment. They were also aware of my other problems. Even though I was in a very questioning state with my own faith, and had long since given up on prayer myself, I believe the power of their love and positive energy and supporting, loving, non -questioning emails helped me. I saw a therapist who gave me prospective. She believed the loss of three family members in a short time and the other problems combined caused me to want connection with someone who knew all these people, which is why I was only interested in having phone sex with someone from my hometown.

I am still aware that people who start relapse more often than not. I am determined not to though one day I sat down and sent a long email begging my original phone sex boyfriend to forgive me for being jealous and angry and call back. I did not hear from him, thankfully. It is a day to day struggle and certain things trigger the desire, such as seeing a certain kind of car, because we had a long scenario about a car ride in his car. It is like alcohol, porn, drug or food addiction, I am taking it one day at a time.

About the Author

Marilyn Nelson : I am a 50 year old woman who splits time between living in Hong Kong and Richmond, Va. I run a small pajama business and have worked previously as a reading specialist and prior to that worked in the field of horticulture for many years. I love to read and travel. I have written book reviews for AWARE magazine, a magazine that caters to expat women abroad.

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